Why is it that so many bad things are happening recently?? I mean, for once in a very long time, I am finally happy with everything going on with school, and then this whole long-winded drama with my family has to happen?? Why does it have to be one or the other?? I mean I don't know how much more I can deal with this. Most nights, I get home so drained and tired that it's a miracle that I even have the energy to eat and shower as oppose to just passing out in my bed the second I get home; and now I have to deal with this?? I mean, yes school is extremely stressful and I'm totally high-strung worrying about the zillion deadlines I have from now till spring break but it's the good kind of stress because for once I actually have really good groups with people who are actually competitive and who actually care about getting not only good marks, but top marks. I really don't have the energy to deal with all this drama going on at home.

What makes him think he has the rights to lecture me on this?? Wasn't he the one who said that helping AI was a waste of time?? He's such a hypocrite, it's not even funny!! As for M... omg... I can't believe she'd get "angry" over such a thing. I mean, it's not like I said that I was against calling AI; I merely said that I really don't see how a phone call is gonna do any good, considering we can't even convince AI to get it together when we go there in person. I can't help her if she doesn't help herself; in fact, no one can. G may think that she's helping AI by going there with AI's friends, but in doing so, they're just making matters even worst. I mean really, why would anyone choose to eat hospital food if one knows that friends/family may come along with better food?? I really don't see how forcing her to eat is gonna do anything. She's not crazy!! She's perfectly conscious of what's happening. She understands perfectly that the doctor is considering putting her under electroconvulsive therapy. I have no idea what triggered her breakdown after so many years of stability, but her situation really is not as bad as her doctor thinks it is. Her reactions are perfectly normal; her eye movements and everything are totally normal, you can't fake that!! I've seen her when things got really bad, so I'm at least 95% sure that she's faking it now.

I don't want to sound inhumane, but really... at some point you have no choice to admit defeat because we really can't help her if she doesn't want to help herself. Yes, I get that she's depressed and all, but now she's making me depressed. I don't want to end up having another argument because of her.

The worst part is, S doesn't even know her that well, yet that still didn't stop him from preaching us about it. He has no idea how physically, and emotionally draining it is so see someone self-destruct like that; someone who shuts everyone out and refuses to listen to reason. He just doesn't get it; he thinks it's a joke. Everything's just black and white to him, yet he's such a hypocrite on the matter. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. Did he really change so much these past few years, or is it that I never really knew him that well to being with. He's done nothing but disappoint us time after time; betrayed us time after time, and I'm sick of it!! The worst part is, it doesn't even look like he feels any remorse, what-so-ever!!

I've never been so disappointed in someone... well, actually, I guess that's 2 people now...

urgh.. so sick of all this family drama
|| Helena mindlessly rambled @ 10:09 PM || 0 comments ||

Funny thing about songs... they can take you back instantly to a moment, a place or even a person. No matter what else has changed in you or the world, that one song stays the same, just like that moment.

On the same date last year, it was also snowing but the snow was different. It was light and airy, whereas today, it's inconsistent. One minute it's coming down harsh and fast, and then as suddenly as it began, it stops. Just as you think it's over, the rain comes crashing down again, harder than ever.

How do I make it stop?

The rain is always there... no matter how hard I try, or how hard I pretend that everything's okay, the rain is always there. There are some days where I'm so good at pretending that I fool even myself into believing that it's true. But if it were true, then why is it still raining? Why does the snow keep piling up? How do I stop it?

I'm just so tired... so very tired... I don't know what I want anymore.
|| Helena mindlessly rambled @ 1:51 PM || 0 comments ||

This is so.. wow.. lol! Totally speechless.. Had to watch it a second time to catch what the guy was saying but then I found the poem, lol.

Click to watch


"Slip of the Tongue"
Adriel Luis

My glares burn through her
And I'm sure such actions aren't foreign to her
Because the essence of her beauty is - well -
The Essence of Beauty

And in the presence of this higher being
The weakness of my masculinity kicks in
Causing me to personnify my
wannabe big-bawler shot-caller God's gift to the female species in shiny shoes rapper
like
ayo what's rollin' shorty what's your sign what's your size I dig your style yo


Now
This girl was no fool
She gives me a dirty look with the quickness
like
'Boy you must be stupid'
So I'm looking at myself going
'Boy, you must be stupid'
But,
Looking upon her,
I AM kinda feeling her style
So I try again but instead of adressing her porperly I blurt out one of my fake-ass player-istic lines like
Guurl... You must be a traffic ticket - cause you've got FINE written all over you

Now

She's trying to leave
And I'M trying to keep her here
And so in a final attempt I be like
Guurl... What is yo ethnic makeup?

See

At this point her glare is scorching through me.
And somehow she manages to make her brown eyes resemble like some kind of brown fire or something but this is no
snap her head movement
no
palm to face click of tongue middle finger roll her eyes Girl Power chant

She just
glares at me with these burning eyes
And her gaze
Grabs you at the throat
And she says
Ethnic Makeup?

First of all
makeup's just over the counter colonised, commodified utility that my sisters have been programmed to use
Forcing them to convert their natural state
In order to imitate what another sister must look like in her next sister's natural state because people keep telling me that the Other sister's natural state is more beautiful than the first sister's natural state.
At the same time the other sister isn't even in her natural state because she's trying to imitate yet another sister.
So in actuality, the natural state the first sister was trying to imitate?
Wasn't even natural in the first place.

Now
I-I'm thinking
Daaaaaamn - this girl's kicking knowledge

But meanwhile, she keeps spitting on it like -
Fine - I'll tell you about my ethnic makeup
I wear foundation.
But not that powdery stuff.
I wear the foundation laid by my indigenous people.
It's that foundation that makes it so the past being globalised -
I can still vocalise with confidence the fact that I know where my roots are.
I wear this foundation not upon my face - but within my soul
and I take this from my ancestors because I'll be damned if I ever let a European or American corporation tell me what my foundation should look like

And I'll wear lipstick
So that my lips can stick to the ears of men
So they can experience in Surround Sound my screams of agony
with each lash of rulers
measuring tapes
and scales
as if my waist line and weight are inversely proportional to my value as a human being

See my lips?
They stick
But not together
Rather they flail open with flames
To burn down this culture that once kept them shut.

N'I don't mess with eye shadow
But my eyes
Shadow over this time
Seeing the means you use to keep me blind
But you can't cover my eyes
Look into them

My eyes
foreshadow change
My eyes
foreshadow light
And I'ain't into hair dying
But I am here, dying because
this opression just won't get out of my hair
They form these highlights on my passion
They tangle around my mind these opressions
Stressing me
So that even though I don't dye them
In a couple years they'll be looking grey

So what's my ethnic makeup?
I don't have any
because
your ethnicity isn't something you can just make up

And as far as that shit that my sisters put on their faces?
That's not makeup.

That's make believe.

I- I c- I can - I can't seem to look up at her
And I'm sure that such action's aren't foreign to her because her expression shows that she knows that my mind is in a trance. As her footsteps fade my ego's left in crutches.

And rejection
never sounded
so sweet.
|| Helena mindlessly rambled @ 7:34 PM || 0 comments ||

Honestly what will become of me
don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
Missed everything daydreaming

[Chorus:]
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets it and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day 'til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die.
~Nelly Furtado
|| Helena mindlessly rambled @ 9:33 AM || 0 comments ||

*sigh* 2006... definately a year of change. Eventful in so many ways... Definately the most difficult year to get through. Emotions were definately all over the place. Looking back, I feel so tired.. so worn out.. Feel like I must've aged like 30 years in a mere span of 12 months. The good, the bad, the ugly... definately went through it all.

2oo6
1) Snowboarding for the first time. Had no idea what I was doing, but had a blast anyways. (January)
2) Pictionary^^
3) Peer Teaching
4) Nearly blinded my right eye cuz I'm an idiot, not to mention the world's biggest klutz (still have a minor scar >_<)
5) A close family member went into bankruptcy
6) April 4th. I miss you so much that it hurts. I love you grandma. R.I.P.
7) Skit, Old Montreal, Chinese School Graduation (not to be biased, but we totally kicked ass!!)
8) Found out that a friend I've known since elementary school's recovering from cancer. (still can't believe this happened. Nobody deserves this, and I sincerely wish you the best of everything. You're such a wonderful person, and such a great friend. I know that I've haven't always been there for you, but regardless, you're still very dear to me. I wish you well. xoxo.)
9) At least 2 people whom I've graduated high school with are married. (married!! as in husband-and-wife-and-having-children married!! All I can say is wow... totally speechless...)
10) Finnished CEGEP. Got my diploma for Social Science eventhough I was in the Commerce program (still pretty upset about that. Had I known that this was gonna happen, I would have just taken Social instead. It would have been so much more easier)
11) Got addicted to Nana, and Deathnote.
12) Spent 3 weeks in Hong Kong in July, which is their most humid time of the year. Found out that I can be quite a shopaholic... spent nearly every single dime that I've saved up since high school. Found out that I actually have a lot of relatives, and wowed them all with my fluent cantonese^^. Slept over at my grandmother's house, and Auntie Kitty's place. Played mah-jong with my great-grandaunt and great-grandungle, attempted to play violin with my cousins, had a blast at Disney World and Ocean Park, went antique hunting with Auntie Elaina, ate to my heart's content, haha!
13) Got stranded at the airport as result of a typhoon, so we ended up extending our vacation for nearly 3 weeks. After much debating, we decided to spend our extra time in Australia for 10 days.
14) Sydney - winter, very cold. Seafood paradise!! Never eaten so much seafood in my life!! muhahaha!!! Pelican feeding, cave exploring, plenty of sight seeing..
15) Made it home just in time to start my first semester at Concordia
16) Dawson shooting (thank god my friends are okay)
17) Exam Stress... ended up getting A's so yay me!!
18) Holiday baking - made mini cheesecakes for the first time and they were a huge hit!
19) Boxing Week Shopping
20) Accidentally found out that a very, very close relative of mine might have breast cancer. Been too afraid to ask.

All in all, if it weren't for Hong Kong and Australia, I'd have to say that I've hit an all time low this year. And silly me... I thought that this was gonna be my year too because of 06.06.06. I should have known...
|| Helena mindlessly rambled @ 6:53 PM || 0 comments ||