Alone at last...
... I welcome the silence.
Finally have some time for myself. I'm so sick of people telling me "that's life". No it's not life, it's death. How can you not see that???? That's not what being alive is. Either get your facts straight or don't say anything at all. I'm sick of my parents telling me to get over it because I can't. I've known her all my life. I've shared my bedroom with her eversince I can remember. When I go to sleep at night, I'm surrounded by everything that belongs to and reminds me of her. No one else has to wake up, seeing her empty bed, her closet, her clothes, her trinkets... No one can possibly understand what it's like to wake up and be reminded of how things use to be, so stop telling me to suck it up and get over it because I can't. i don't want to.
i'm so confused. i don't know how i'm suppose act or think. i'm so tired of crying, and everyone telling me to stop crying because i can't control it, and neither do i want to. why can't they just all leave me alone and let me deal with this the only way i know how? i cried over 2 weeks when one of my favorite plushies got shreaded in the washing machine. I cried for 3 months when Franklin, my turtle died.. but this... this is so much different, so much more than that.
in the first few days, i knew that i could take comfort in my family, but suddenly, last night and this morning, I'm hit with the reality that i can't because they don't understand me at all. the more i try to talk to them, the angrier i get because they just don't get it. They just want me to stop crying and just get over it.
it's true that i've been crying for a week, but everytime i do so, it's for a different reason.
when my dad called me last tuesday afternoon, i cried because it couldn't be true, but a little part of me knew immediatle that yes, it was true. i cried when i called my brother's friends because i was frustrated that i couldn't find him and i didn't know what to do. i cried again in the car, on the way to the hospital because i had to tell him what happened.
there was a few seconds when i felt like i didn't want to go into the room. just knowing that she was lying there on the other side of the door... i was afraid. i just wanted to run away and never look back.
contrary to what the nurse said, my grandmother did not look at peace. I know that the nurse meant well when she said it, but i was so angry when i heard it. That's not how someone at peace would look like. her mouth was opened in this weird angle. her eyes were closed, but in a way that it almost looks as if she could suddenly wake up and yell at us for making so much noise and for waking her up. the longer i looked at her, the less familiar she seemed, but when i looked at her hands.. it couldn't have been anyone else. those were the hands that raised me as a child. they were the hands that cooked for me and cared for me.
what if i forget those hands? i don't want to forget. i've always been amazed at how soft and white her hands are, despite the wrinkles. her skin was still soft when we at her last tuesday, but her hands were so cold... and now... her hands just feel hard and waxy...
she's gotten so thin over these past few years... it pains to see her so fragile and helpless. just the thought of her going away like with her chest cut open on the operation table, surrounded by strangers who couldn't help her... it's so cruel... why did she have to go like that? why couldn't she be stronger and fight like the first three times that she had a stroke? why now??
at the funeral on sunday, my relatives kept indicating that she's eighty years old, but so what??? it doesn't make a difference how old she is, or how many years i've known her. death is still death regardless of all that. ultimately it doesn't make a difference but she's gone either way.
i'm too tired to do any hating now, but i hated how some of my relatives were acting during the funeral. i hate the way some of them would shake my hand, and look at me as though they expect me to just break down and cry. for a few of them, it was nothing but a show, something they can analyse and critisize and gossip when the even is over. i hate them so much.
how dare they critisize my mom and ask whether she did this or that or why she isn't doing this or that? shouldn't they have told her all the superstition crap before we went to the funeral home? i hate their gossip, i hate the way they whisper amoungst themselves, but loud enough for the rest of the world could hear if it wanted to. i hate.. i'm so tired...
i had no idea how to act at the funeral home. am i suppose to be happy so see many of my relatives? angry at them for not visiting grandma when she was alive and have the nerve to act like they care, now that she's gone? am i suppose to be sad for grandma? am i suppose to be angry at the world??? i'm so confused...
and 表婆.. omg.. don't even get me started on her.. yesterday, that bitch actually had the nerve to ask 二婆, my grandmother's sister, how much the coffin costs as the pallbearers were lowering it into the ground. i just... i hate her so much... how can you ask such a thing???? it's disgusting!!! my grandmother is packed into a box and about to be buried six feet under, into the ground for all eternity, and all you think of is how much the coffin, the funeral and the whole ceremony costs??? what the hell is wrong with you????? this is precisely why i hate my relatives on my dad's side of the family. they're all ignorant, pretensious, vicious old hags who care nothing more than gossip and money and i hate them for it.
i was all cried out during the ceremony. everyone around me was bawling their eyes out during mom's speech, but coudn't even shed a tear. I couldn't cry at all and those gossiping old hags made me feel guilty for not doing so. i had to force myself to cry when we took out last bow before they closed the lid. i just couldn't... my mind was completely blank, and all i could of is how we look and whether or not we're putting on a good show for everyone. i hate them so much. the funeral wasn't even about grandma anymore. it was just another gossip fest for them. a chance for them to milk out as much dirt as they possible can, and then talk and critise everything for as long as the gossip holds up. i hate these stupid people.. they just don't understand.. kinda like that stupid idiot on the street who shouted "HEY!! WHO DIED??!!" as the hearse going to the cemetary.
we passed by my school, and it was so surreal to see people i know joking and laughing... i don't know how to explain it... it's like there's two different realities or something...
i don't want to forget her.. i don't want to forget her voice. i don't want to forget how she loves to ride the bus and the metro all over montreal. her sense of direction just amazes me. if ever there's a place don't know how to get to, you just have to tell her which bus stop it's close to and she'll be able to tell exactly how to get there eventhough she's never gone there before. she loved gardening and planting vegetables in the backyard. and now.. the backyard's completely barren and empty because there's no one left to take care of it. the vegetable patch is gone.. the flowers are dead.. someone dug up and stole her strawberry patch... there's nothing left...
whenever we would have a day off from school, she would always take my brother and i to the dinner near our house for breakfast. we would always order the same thing: scrambled eggs, bacon, with toast and potato on the side. grandma would order coffee for herself and milk for my brother and I. lol, we'd always fight over who gets to pour the cream and sugar in grandma's coffee... the waitress there didn't even have to ask us what we want to eat cuz it's always the same... and when we're done eathing, the waitress would always give my brother and i a hadfull of mint candies... after paying, we would either go to the grocery store or walk straight home after she buys me an Archie comic book and my brother a candy bar.
i don't want to forget the way she would yell at us and lecture us when we do something bad and how she can never keep a straight face when she's yelling at us. all we have to do is to get her to crack a smile and everything's ok again...
when i was younger, and getting potty trained, i remember how she use to wake me up in the middle of the night to take me to the washroom. she always ask if i'm hungry afterwards and give me cereal to eat. before going to bed again. a few years after, it was me who woke her up at 2 or 3 in the morning cuz i was afraid of the dark.
she use to watch disney movies with us and yell wonder outloud why Belle would fall in love with such an ugly monster whenever we watch Beauty and the Beast, lol. I remember being irritated at her for it since i love the movie so much, but now.. i would give anything to hear her voice again...
she only speaks toisanese and knows a few words in english, but somehow.. she found a way to communicate with our french speaking next door neighbour. they use to share plant seeds, and plant fertilizing techniques...lol. actually, i miss our neighbour.. i haven't seen her since she moved after her husband passed away 2 or 3 years ago... come to think of it, you'd think i'd get use to grandma's absense in her time at the retirement home for the past 5 years, but.. *sigh*
most of all though.. i miss the way she look at me at the most random times and say "oh what a beautiful grand-daughter i have". i use to mentally roll my eyes and think "omg, that such a grandmotherly thing to say", without truely appreciating it. people have always told me that when i was young, but it's so different when she herself tells me so. there was always so much pride and warmth in her voice when she says it. the way should would look at me, and the way she would giggle and smile afterwards.. i miss her so much... she was so proud when i told her that i got accepted into university...
my eyes sting from crying so much, my nose is raw from rubbing it so much, my head hurts.. and worst of all, there's this heavy sinking ache in my heart that i can't get rid of. i'm so tired of this.. i'm so sick of crying, of feeling helpless, of people telling me to stop crying...
the last time i saw her was 2 weeks ago, after chinese school on sunday, and i can't for the life of me remember what she said to me that day. what kind of a horrible grand-daughter am i anyways??
wasabi_luv@hotmail.com